Scary day turns out ok

It's Saturday evening. I am enjoying an Andy Williams Christmas special from the '60s. Tom is settled for at least the first part of the night. I will soon follow him but first of all must catch up on the last few days.

Thursday started out quiet but when I took the trach tube out to clean it I really got scared. When I checked Tom's trach it looked like there was a hole/sore about the size of a dime a little way down. It was round and very bloody looking. I left the room just to take a deep breath and ask God to give me strength. I went back to check it and it was still the same. I called hospice and they said they would check with the doctor for me. Called Kemp and he said he would come right over. He said to call 911 NOW. I called but hung up but 911 has a way of finding you. They called me back and said they would be right here. Hospice called back and said to take Tom to ER. 911 arrived and after taking his vital signs said he was safe to transport so off to ER we went. Called the prayer chain on the way and asked them to pray. 3 hours later the ENT docs arrived. When they took a look they couldn't find what I was talking about. I don't know what happened--maybe there was clotted blood shaped in a perfect circle that Tom coughed up OR maybe God decided that this was more than we could handle (1 Cor 10:13) and healed it. It turned out to be a good visit because my greatest fear has been that I would do something wrong and cause harm to Tom. The docs said everything looked good and gave me some direction in how to take care of it even better. We came home exhausted again and went straight to bed for a nap. I had both of us really scared.

Friday we had nothing planned--just working on a few work projects that I am trying to finish. The hospice social worker called and asked to come by in the afternoon. We ended up having about a 2 hour conversation that was informative and helpful. I was feeling torn about hospice but after meeting with Chris decided that it would be a good thing to continue. We both were in bed by 8:00 pm. The first 3 times Tom needed help I got up with a smile but at 3:00 am told him that I really needed to get some sleep if he could manage without waking me. We got him well settled and didn't wake up again until 7:30 when I got up to give him meds and feed him. Decided to go back to bed and didn't get up until awaken by the phone at 10:30!

During those wakeful times (too bad you can't just go right back to sleep after being awaken!) I had a rather surprising realization. I realized that I have been angry. I know there are stages to grieving--denial, anger and acceptance--but I hadn't identified the anger part. I kept thinking that meant anger at God. The anger for me expressed itself in my thoughts of "if you're going to die then just do it because I don't want to go through the pain of doing this any more." That thought drove me crazy because I didn't want it but it kept coming back. Wouldn't you know that it would take another crisis to move on. Our time in the hospital drew us even closer and there is a tenderness between us that is even more precious. Tom is reaching out more. I am not feeling so closed off. And I don't feel angry any more. Now the problem is I really don't want to loose him but I don't feel afraid of the feelings anymore. I continue to meditate on Prov 3:5-6. I can't seem to get' enough of it. It's the verse that is carrying me through. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." What incredible peace lies in those words. What a life long journey to understand it and embrace it. Another verse came up last night to be an encouragement--Joshua 1:9, a verse I have used so often in teaching children: "Be strong and courageouse. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." What an awesome and mighty God we serve and worship. Thank you, Lord, for being with us in the midst of this. Thank you for all those who are faithfully praying for us. We are becoming very dependent on those prayers and on the grace of our Lord.