The rest of the story of the 10th of May is that my friend and I spent the day working on a quilt for our host family when we go to the Czech Republic in 2 months. She loved Tom, too, so it was good to remember and laugh and cry. It feels so good to hear other people talk about him--telling what they loved about him, funny memories or things he said.
On my way to my friend's house I realized something powerful--for several months now I have been so afraid of these days in May. I tried to find ways to avoid them by leaving town or if I stayed in town then I felt an enormous pressure (from myself) to make the days important and special--just didn't know quite how to do that. Then when it all turned around and I experienced so much peace I found myself rushing toward the 9th and the 10th of May looking forward to what they would hold and the sweet memories of Tom, feeling again so loved and cherished by him. He's more alive than I am! I miss him terribly but I KNOW where he is--he's safe, he's healthy, he's full of life for all eternity! AND he's gotten to meet Jesus face to face! AND we'll see each other again some day. My fear is gone! I embrace this peace that passes all understanding and want to keep it forever.
At the end of the day I enjoyed dinner out at the Woodinville Cafe--a favorite of Tom's--with two close couple friends. On Wednesday the staff from my church took me out to lunch to celebrate Tom. My, he was loved!
Yesterday I spent the day in bed with a stomach bug. Thankful that it was short lived.
Today was a new day--borrowed a friend's pickup truck and drove to deJung's on Avondale to pick up dirt for my two new raised vegetable beds. Made two trips for a total of 2 yards of soil. Me, my shovel and wheelbarrow got the job done. Tomorrow I plan to go for one more load of compost this time--they say it's lighter! When I turned on the radio in the truck it was turned to a country western station. I enjoyed listening to lyrics like, "if I get some money I'll buy a Mercury or two" and this one had me laughing out loud--"I don't do windows, don't even ask but I'm real good at drinking beer." I really am a farm girl at heart (raised on a chicken farm) and it felt good driving a truck, moving dirt and getting beds ready to plant.
Life is totally different without Tom. He's had such a profound influence on my life--I'll be forever thankful. One thing he never did was sit around and mope--he lived life to the fullest and I plan to follow his example. Man, I love that man!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
This is the day. . .
Woke up this morning and the first thoughts in my mind were, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" from the Psalms. It's true--this is the day that the Lord has made. Each day is a gift from him that we get to open and experience. A year ago this was the day that the Lord took Tom home to be with him. Much grief filled that day and the days to come but in the midst of it the Spirit of God has never left my side. God's right hand has held me up no matter what. He uses what comes with each day to mold me and make me into the person he has created me to be. What peace comes with that knowledge.
I will rejoice and be glad in it. The only thing I own in this life (I am convinced) is my attitude. What an amazing and uplifting statement from David the author of most of the Psalms. He rejoiced and was glad. I choose to rejoice and be glad. I started listing all that there was to rejoice and be glad about and the list just goes on and on. Right at the top is the gift of Tom--his love and care and devotion and faithfulness that filled me to overflowing. Our children and their mates and my grandchildren--my cup really does run over. My extended family and friends who cover me with their care and love. The list goes on and on. But right now I am going to get up and go enjoy this day--it's a gift and I'm going to enjoy unwrapping it knowing that Giver is the one who loves me most.
I will rejoice and be glad in it. The only thing I own in this life (I am convinced) is my attitude. What an amazing and uplifting statement from David the author of most of the Psalms. He rejoiced and was glad. I choose to rejoice and be glad. I started listing all that there was to rejoice and be glad about and the list just goes on and on. Right at the top is the gift of Tom--his love and care and devotion and faithfulness that filled me to overflowing. Our children and their mates and my grandchildren--my cup really does run over. My extended family and friends who cover me with their care and love. The list goes on and on. But right now I am going to get up and go enjoy this day--it's a gift and I'm going to enjoy unwrapping it knowing that Giver is the one who loves me most.
Monday, May 9, 2011
At peace
The last few weeks I've felt almost panicky about today and tomorrow. Tom died on Monday the 10th of May 2010. Today is Monday and tomorrow is the 10th. But this last week has been very different. The only way I can describe it is peace-filled. I know there are many out there who are praying for me and I believe it has made a huge difference.
Tonight all my kids and grandkids (except Katie who is at school) gathered for dinner. I spent the day cooking one of Tom's favorite Swedish meals--kaldomar (stuffed cabbage rolls). I even made his favorite cake--also Swedish--a blotkake (lots of whip cream!) It felt all day like I was cooking for Tom. I knew how he would react to each of the foods, how he would wait till I was finished decorating the cake and then graciously clean up all that was left of the whip cream! How he would comment how good the kaldomar smelled as it was baking. How much he anticipated the family being together.
It felt so good to all be together. We even had unexpected out of town relatives staying with us join in on the night. All I can say is there is nothing like family. I feel very blessed by God for the one he has given me and very loved by each one. Who can ask for more? I see Tom in each one, too. He had and continues to have a powerful influence in our lives. Thank you, God, for the gift of Tom. Even though he wasn't here physically tonight he was here with us. He would have enjoyed the night.
And now the house is quiet and I am going to bed very thankful for the sense of peace I feel. Tomorrow I am going to quilt with my friend Nancy. We are making a quilt for our host family we will be staying with in the Czech Republic in July. Finding ways to serve others, to make a difference in the lives of others is also a powerful grief fighting tool.
Yes, the emotions are near the surface but it doesn't feel frightening any more. I know who is in charge and I trust him with my days. He has proven himself so incredibly faithful this last year and way beyond. I praise you, Lord. Please tell Tom how much he is loved and missed. Thank you that I can trust you with him, too.
Tonight all my kids and grandkids (except Katie who is at school) gathered for dinner. I spent the day cooking one of Tom's favorite Swedish meals--kaldomar (stuffed cabbage rolls). I even made his favorite cake--also Swedish--a blotkake (lots of whip cream!) It felt all day like I was cooking for Tom. I knew how he would react to each of the foods, how he would wait till I was finished decorating the cake and then graciously clean up all that was left of the whip cream! How he would comment how good the kaldomar smelled as it was baking. How much he anticipated the family being together.
It felt so good to all be together. We even had unexpected out of town relatives staying with us join in on the night. All I can say is there is nothing like family. I feel very blessed by God for the one he has given me and very loved by each one. Who can ask for more? I see Tom in each one, too. He had and continues to have a powerful influence in our lives. Thank you, God, for the gift of Tom. Even though he wasn't here physically tonight he was here with us. He would have enjoyed the night.
And now the house is quiet and I am going to bed very thankful for the sense of peace I feel. Tomorrow I am going to quilt with my friend Nancy. We are making a quilt for our host family we will be staying with in the Czech Republic in July. Finding ways to serve others, to make a difference in the lives of others is also a powerful grief fighting tool.
Yes, the emotions are near the surface but it doesn't feel frightening any more. I know who is in charge and I trust him with my days. He has proven himself so incredibly faithful this last year and way beyond. I praise you, Lord. Please tell Tom how much he is loved and missed. Thank you that I can trust you with him, too.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Today
Today I said goodbye to our RV. Tom and I had so many wonderful trips in it--the memories of being in it always make me smile (except today they are making my eyes full of tears). Tom's favorite thing to say each time we took off in it was, "I can't believe we have an RV!" He loved it. Now it's on its way to Texas with my brother behind the wheel. It makes me happy to know who has it and to think how much they will enjoy it--a new chapter.
Today I remembered that 4 years ago our grandson Harper, just 5 days old, left us for heaven. I still picture his great-grandmother greeting him, snuggling him down and rocking him with her "so-so" song. His twin brother, Maximus, talks of him often.
Toay I feel that it is "count-down" until the 10th.
I heard a new song yesterday. Don't know all the lyrics--must find out how to find them--but some of the lines said, "it's now what I would choose, but it's what You use." I also heard the end of an interview with a woman who had experienced much pain in her life but was using that pain as an inspiration for reaching out to women who were caught in sex trafficking. I truly believe she is on the right track. It would be easy to focus on the pain BUT turning the grief into serving others feels so much better. Whether it's spending time with grandchildren, creating new vegetable gardens, getting ready to go on a mission to Russian speaking people in the Czech Republic or quilting--it's all helping. The hugs from my family and friends continue to keep me grounded and connected.
Wish the words would come easier. It's harder than ever to put my thoughts down but it seems important that I try. Is it? Does it matter?
Today I remembered that 4 years ago our grandson Harper, just 5 days old, left us for heaven. I still picture his great-grandmother greeting him, snuggling him down and rocking him with her "so-so" song. His twin brother, Maximus, talks of him often.
Toay I feel that it is "count-down" until the 10th.
I heard a new song yesterday. Don't know all the lyrics--must find out how to find them--but some of the lines said, "it's now what I would choose, but it's what You use." I also heard the end of an interview with a woman who had experienced much pain in her life but was using that pain as an inspiration for reaching out to women who were caught in sex trafficking. I truly believe she is on the right track. It would be easy to focus on the pain BUT turning the grief into serving others feels so much better. Whether it's spending time with grandchildren, creating new vegetable gardens, getting ready to go on a mission to Russian speaking people in the Czech Republic or quilting--it's all helping. The hugs from my family and friends continue to keep me grounded and connected.
Wish the words would come easier. It's harder than ever to put my thoughts down but it seems important that I try. Is it? Does it matter?
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