It's hard

Life is hard. We were never told otherwise. It was hard last night when I drove myself to the church annual meeting (if it happens twice a year, is it still "annual"???) last night alone--Tom and I have always gone together. It's hard watching Tom in a group of people like at church yesterday and knowing how much he wants to communicate but talking is so difficult. It's hard going to see Jen, the speech therapist, and Tom not reaching out to hug her--but she had a hug for him. He was feeling frustrated and didn't know what she could do to help. It's hard when I don't know what to do to help and think, what if Tom stops smiling at me?! It's hard to feel tired when I think I've gotten enough sleep. It's hard not being able to babysit our grandboys because the noise is hard for Tom or they are being protective of Tom's health. It's hard not going to Hunter's lacrosse games because it's just too hard for Tom. It's hard eating a meal by myself. It's hard to remember all the times I complained inwardly about having to fix another dinner--I'd give anything to fix a favorite dinner of Tom's now. It's hard to think about going to see the UW doctor on Wednesday--wondering how I can protect Tom. It's hard knowing how much life has changed.

It's hard but it is life. How often I have thought about "getting through" things and then on to life as I want it to be as thought the "getting through" part isn't really a part of life. It's all a part of life--the easy and fun and the hard. What's amazing is that it takes the hard times to mold us and shape us--we grow the most in the hard times and God is definitely closer and more depended on in those times when we are the weakest. I feel like the last few weeks I have been in a cocoon, wrapped up and protected from feeling too much while God has let me know how loved and cared for we are. Today and last night I feel like I'm starting to come out of that cocoon. Butterflies stuggle as they get ready to fly, it's hard work, it's just plain hard. But that's they way God planned their life. He doesn't give them more than they can handle and He makes that promise to us. Life is hard but He's here in the midst of it and with Him we will make it.

Heard the end of an interview on the radio today. They were talking about motherhood being a calling, a responsibility and a privilege. You know, that can be said for many things in life--being a wife is a calling, a responsibility (to the commitment we made), and a privilege. What a privilege to be able to care for a man who has cared for me all these years--really a very special intimacy of trust as well as love. "They" say "love is a decision" and I agree--many times over the years that's what it's had to be but it sure is wonderful when the decision and the emotion come together and are one!

Tom just beat me at cribbage TWICE! How does he get those cards?! We "bump" hands to congratulate the winner. AND he's smiling tonight! How I wish I could collect each one and save them!

We pray for strength in the midst of our weakness. We pray for courage to face each new day. We pray we might be a blessing to all we meet. I pray I could be the wife Tom not only needs but the one he wants as well.

Finished this entry and then read this devotion which comes via email--sure seems to answer what I am feeling today.

BIBLE MEDITATION:"My brothers, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations." James 1:2
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:Sometimes we have to admit that it's hard to "count it all joy." Sometimes we complain, and rather than being humbly grateful, we get grumbly hateful. Oh, how I wish that, beginning today, we would emulate the faith of the saints that have gone before us - saints like Fannie Crosby, the great hymn writer. For most of her life Fannie Crosby was blind, and yet at the tender age of eight, Fannie wrote:
"Oh! What a happy soul am I. Although I cannot see,
I am resolved that in this world, contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't." And do you know what? She didn't.