Thankful

No wonder we feel such strength each day--people keep telling us of more people who are praying for us. We are humbled and awed by the prayers of friends and family and amazed at the prayers of strangers--tied together by our common faith in Jesus Christ. We don't need to know each other when He is our common Savior and Lord to be sisters and brothers. We are so thankful for each prayer lifted on our behalf.

Thankfulness seems to be the theme of the day. I've gone back to reading Boomerang Joy. Barbara has a chapter called "Give Thanks." She is so right when she writes, "Why do we take our blessings for granted until they are removed from us? Start today by being grateful for the tiniest things: water to drink, a moment to rest, the color of a flower or sunset or bird. A piece of bread. A song on the radio. Keep looking for sights, smells, sounds, that make you feel pleasure. Write them down. Let's decide to be thankful and encourage one another to cultivate grateful hearts. Remember, no trial or trouble lasts forever. Keep following God, and you will begin to understand that He uses trials to strengthen you. And also remember, the truest truth is that God is thankful for you. He gave his Son to reclaim your life. He invites you into the joy of salvation. That's an awful lot to be thankful for right there. And something else to be thankful for? The fact that you are here to be thankful!"

Ever since Tom was diagnosed it's been the "little things" that have meant so much. There is a rhody in bloom on the route that I walk each morning that is the most beautiful rhody I've ever seen--I get such joy just seeing it every day. Flowers have more beauty this year than ever before. Tom's gentle touches have always made me feel loved--now even more. And when Tom cracks a joke I want the feeling to go on and on--I treasure it. Spending time with children and grandchildren, conversations with friends, every hug is priceless.

We are looking forward to two RV trips in June. Friends will be with us on both. Do you think it's possible the talking box will arrive before either one??? That would be an amazing answer to prayer.

Praise God that the sleeping medication seems to be helping Tom sleep better. Now I need to break my sleepless pattern--hopefully tonight I will be so tired we'll both get a good night.

It's the little things

What a great day! Tom saw the speech therapist this morning and tested out great on the hand held talking device. She was going to fax the request for a unit for Tom today. They say it will be 4-6 weeks to get it but we are praying for sooner. He actually enjoyed using it. I think he will have fun with it. I know his kids and grandkids will have fun programming phrases and voices! The first thing he tried typing in was "Takk for matt" (pronounced tock for mot) which is Swedish for "thank you for the food"--what Tom has always said at the end of a meal. It was funny to hear the machine say "tack for mat"! The first phrase he said he wanted put into it was "I love you"--that man sure knows how to rack up the points! That's something that has always been so easy for him to say--his smile still says it but it's fun to think of him "saying" it with a voice.

Next thing to be thankful for is the respiratory specialist calling to schedule his appointment for next Tuesday rather than waiting for July 28th.

Am also feeling extremely thankful for all the offers of help AND how easy it is becoming to accept them! God is teaching us alot--most of all how much He cares for us.

I recently wrote that words are not all that important--I was wrong! I so enjoy getting comments on the blog or hearing via email, cards and notes AND in person. Recently our bank teller shared how much she missed seeing Tom and asked how he was doing. She told me she had lost her husband several years ago. She's praying for us. Her words of care really touched me and encouraged me. It was fun to come home and tell Tom that his "girl friends" at the bank hadn't forgotten him and were looking forward to seeing him again. I told him, he needed to make the next deposit!

a feeling

you ask what I am feeling--incredible sadness. But what lies within that sadness--I cannot, will not go there. If I stay there, rest there, wallow there I will not be any good for Tom. He needs me to be positive and up beat. He's always been that for me and I will not let him down--with the help of my Lord and my God we WILL stay as full of life as we can--we will enjoy every bit of life we have together for as long as we have life. I pray others will join me in celebrating life, not focusing on anything else. Celebrate Tom, remembering all the crazy, kooky things this man of mine has done to bring so much joy to those who know him. Just thinking about some of those times makes me smile. Maybe I will write some of them here but now I am tired--I feel better putting it on "paper"--easier to let it go somehow.

Strength for today

When I opened my Bible this morning I happened to turn to Isaiah where these words were underlined: "He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." It seemed God's words were meant for me. I count on His strength daily and He never fails. It made me wonder what I miss when I don't take the time to open His word.


Picked up Tom's perscription early. When I came back to pick Tom up for church he said he was too tired and just wanted to go back to bed. I asked him how he was doing and he wrote, "Mentally I am just fine." I asked how he was with his body and he wrote, "I'm learning to accept it." I got a small white board yesterday and he is using it a lot to communicate. He says he would prefer it to some high tech gadget. Later he wrote a really funny response to something I said that made me laugh really hard. He wrote, "I love to make you laugh!!" He's been doing that for 40 years. He'd better not stop now is what I say!


I don't like being without Tom at church--reminds me of our younger years when he travelled so much and often I went without him. It was always hard to see other couples sitting with each other and not have my Tom. Today I tried to turn it for the good and thanked God for the couple relationships and that they would remain strong.


I don't know how to respond when someone asks how I'm doing. Sometimes it feels like there should be a right answer and I don't know it. I think Tom and I are at a similar place--we're both learning to accept it for what it is. We're pretty simple thinkers--Tom and me. We don't really ask the why us or shake our fists--why not us and how can we be angry when we've been so incredibly blessed our whole lives. Lately I've been praying to see this from God's perspective--not there yet but I trust He has us in His hands and will use this for His good.

Hugs and a person's presence are still the most appreciated means of communicating care and support. Words are good but there's nothing that anyone can say that will change what is. I know it's hard to know what to say--I've tried to say the right thing many times when someone is hurting and always it seems that words fall short. We really can't understand exactly what someone else is feeling or experiencing because we all come into an experience with different histories/pasts/beliefs and those affect our present. What I find myself enjoying is hearing what is happening in other lives--it's a way of connecting with life--if that makes any sense. OK, now I'm getting into deeper thought and I'm ready to move on.

We spent some time with Kylisa and Chris, Jackson (almost 3) and Grayson (1) today. Tom enjoyed pitching the baseball to the boys and we both enjoyed watching their energy and enthusiasm. Oh, the joy of being family!

Good to be needed!

Last night when I poured the cans of Tom's food into the pump bag I noticed that the expiration date said May 10--and this is the 23rd! I just got 8 cases delivered this last week and they are already EXPIRED! How could the company be so careless??!! I lost sleep last night thinking about wondering if the very food Tom was receiving was harmful to him. AND it's a 3 day weekend--would anyone be there to answer my questions today? Got the answering service when I called and they said someone would call back soon. They did and said they would check it out. Got a second call from a very nice woman who said the "10" was the year, not the day! Now why didn't I think of that?!

Then at 8:00 pm I got Tom's meds ready to give to him and relized that I had forgotten to go to the pharmacy for one that had only one dose left--and they were closed BUT will reopen in the nick of time at 9:00 am--and I will be there. It's the perscription for controlling the saliva--not one to run out of. That's what I missed by taking a 4 HOUR nap today AND not looking at my list of to-do's!

Other than that it's been a quiet day. Oh, I DID beat Tom at cribbage--I'm on a two game winning streak--that's about as far as I can get the streaks to last! Tom is finishing another puzzle. We came home with some good ones yesterday--he sure knows what he likes--the ones with lots of color contrasts and no big spaces of all the same color. I'm starting to be able to pick them out. Oh, he just finished--except for the last piece--he always needs me to figure out where that piece goes. It's good to be needed!

Move is coming

It's Friday--almost a whole week has passed since I last wrote. Wednesday was our Awana awards night--lots of prep to get ready for it. It was definitely more hectic this year--the ol' brain just doesn't keep up with me--it used to be that my body didn't keep up with me--now it's both--what is the ME they're not keeping up with anyway??? Is it the soul part that recognizes it is separate and distinct from the mind and body? Interesting thought.

Last Saturday we spent the day with Kirstin, Yura, Kylisa and Chris. During our time together Kirstin said that they had talked about it and thought we should move in with them. They can see that we're going to need help in the months to come and wanted us closer. We talked about the pros and cons--Tom would have more activity to be a part of or just watch, we'd be closer to the UW medical center, Kemp is just a few blocks away, Tom could putter in the yard, Hunter and Moose would give their Far lots of love. We've been advised to find living space that is wheelchair accessible. Their house is very open and we can build a ramp to their porch if and when the time comes we need it. Cons would be more people in the house but they have assured us they're okay with that and want us to come. We are also going to have to be very honest and open with each other--not a bad thing to foster. We feel so incredibly blessed to have the children we do. Everyone is focused on doing what is the very best for Tom and this seems to be just that. Tom even said that he would like to get on the bus and go downtown Seattle--easy to do from their house.

A few things need to be finished at their house before we arrive. The kids are planning family work days to get it all done. Once again we will be downsizing--it's getting easier and easier. God has been good to make this such a gradual process for us from house to townhouse to apartment to Kirstin and Yura's house.

I've also talked with my pastor who is very supportive of my first call which is to care for Tom. I am hopeful that I can stay on in Children's Ministry but am holding it with an open hand waiting to see what God has in store. Right now we are gathering a group of people together to spread out responsibilities. I am blown away by the support and love that people are showing--it is very humbling and encouraging. It's very different to be on the receiving end. It's more comfortable to be on the giving side but I am learning to receive--I am very grateful.

The last two nights I have gotten more sleep but Tom is still up several times during the night. Sleep is a challenge. Tom can't take sleeping medication because he has to be alert if he gets up due to the feeing tube. The few nights in the beginning that he took something was like dealing with a drunken sailor--not fun. We both agreed it was better to do without.

It's a beautiful sunny day today. Tom wants to go to Target to look for more jigsaw puzzles. I'm hoping to get out for a long walk.

Talking machine not talking!

Picked up the loaner "talking" machine today but so far have not been able to get it working--screen does not respond to touch very well so we'll have to wait to see if there's more to it than we thought. The young woman who brought it to us is a delight and a blessing--so passionate about helping people. She's also a fellow believer and a real encourager.

It's a beautiful day--gotta love the sunshine. Tom took a nap on the deck. I took a snuggle nap with baby Grayson while Kylisa took Jackson to a birthday party. When they came back we tried out our new baseball and bat. Tom pitched, I caught and Jackson hit!

I read this in the new MDA/ALS magazine we've been given a subscription to:
"Quit thinking that ALS is a terminal disease, but rather an obstacle that you need to oversome. For anyone, I would say view your ALS as a gift. It has freed you of the everyday worry and stress that makes most miss the important things in life."

I was thinking last night about "Tom the Conqueror"--about how when he couldn't eat we overcame it with a feeding tube. Now he is losing his speech and we are overcoming it with a speaking device. We are praying that we can get that accomplished very soon. They say it takes at least a month to get the device we are hoping for--let's pray for it sooner.

Tom is getting a "speaking" machine

Today we met with the Speech Therapist at UW. Deanna evaluated Tom's needs and showed us 3 different models of "speaking" machines (don't know what they're really called but I bet I'll find out!) Tom was drawn to the smaller hand held model. He will use a stylus to type in words or touch pre-programmed phrases and the machine will speak what he writes. It was pretty funny when it was programmed with a woman's voice. You can also program your own phrases. I'm a little nervous about what the kids and grandkids will come up with for their dad/Far! It will take a while to get the model Tom wants so Deanna suggested we might be able to borrow something from the MDA organization. We checked and they do have something we can borrow and I will pick it up tomorrow morning.

The hardest part of the day was hearing Tom question (as we left the appointment), "so my voice is dead meat?" He had different expectations of the meeting thinking he was going to be given ways to use his own voice. But he bounced back quickly and is resolved to make the most of this new technology.

Just read the following devotion that has challenged me:

May 13
BIBLE MEDITATION:"Give thanks unto the Lord, call upon His name, make known His deeds among the people."1 Chronicles 16:8
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:If you are a child of God, you ought to be able to thank God every moment of every day no matter what happens to you. Have you ever stopped to thank God for the water that you drink? Did you know that in some third world countries the majority of the population doesn't have reasonably pure drinking water? Millions of people die annually just from water-related diseases. If you wear a hearing aide, do you ever thank God for that? Some people wish they had a hearing aide. If you are a student in the midst of final exams, do you thank God that you have an exam to take? There are many who wish they could afford college. Do you thank God for your next breath?
ACTION POINT:Take whatever it is that looks like a trial in your life today and thank God for it! Thank Him every time the thought enters your mind to grumble or complain.

It's hard to thank God for ALS but I do thank God for the incredible closeness Tom and I are experiencing in the midst of it and for the support and love of family and friends.

Tom the Conqueror

It's been a good day--very little reflux! YEAH! Kemp came over and spent most of the day with his dad. He has permission from work to work from our house on Wednesdays so he can spend that time with Tom and I can go to the church and get lots done there.

Talked to Kirstin today and told her that the nurse on Tuesday had told us the medical team was just that--our team and we are the captain. Well, I think I am the captain and Tom is the general. Kirstin said, "No, mom, he's a Viking." So I asked her, what is a Viking general called. She immediately responded, Tom the Conqueror! Guess what the kids are getting their dad for Father's Day! Don't tell Tom! With a Viking "hat" and his fist a-pumping we'll all want to get out of his way!

Tom is a Viking!

Much to tell. Yesterday morning I spent almost 3 hours talking to medical people looking for answers about who was responsible for different parts of Tom's care. I think we've got it solved. This morning we met with a gastro doc who checked the tube and declared all is well. I learned that the burning Tom is experiencing in his throat is due to his inability to swallow effectively. When acid comes up the normal thing to happen is for saliva to wash it back down but Tom can't do that so we are learning how to take care of it other ways.

A friend from church stopped by for a short visit that was very appreciated. Kylisa brought dinner last night. It tasted so good. Funny how unsympathetic I have been for single people who say cooking for themself is hard to do. No more--now I understand. It was wonderful to spend time with Jackson and Grayson. Chris was also a big help working out our budget. (Thanks, Chris!)

On our way to our appointment at the UW today Tom asked me why we were going. I told him it was to learn about ALS. He asked me for the first time to explain it to him. I asked if he would like to wait and hear about it from the nurse or if he wanted to know what I know. He pointed to me. Instant prayers went up that I would have the right words and emotional strength. This was the first time he really seemed to want to know. I explained that ALS is a degenerative disease that attacks the neurons so that muscles are no longer able to receive communication from the brain. He asked if there was a cure and I said no. But there was lots of help to deal with whatever came along. That's some of what we were going to learn today. I cried but then reminded him what we shared just before he went into open heart surgery (and God brought him back from that)--he loves Jesus, I love Jesus, Jesus loves us. We're going to be ok. He agreed and made a fist and pumped his arm to say he's not giving up. I also said that all I wanted from him was his smile. In fact from now on every time he smiled at me he was saying he loved me. (Warning Kemper--this is the mushy part!) Tom turned to look at me with a HUGE cheesy smile on his face! That much?! We've been enjoying smiling at each other all day!

We met with the neuro doc's assistant. She gave us a one hour education on ALS along with lots of reading material. One of our assignments is to learn to ask for help with something every week. She said we could not do this on our own and we believe her. Already people have offered to do whatever they can to help and we are very grateful. We are going to begin a drug called Riluek which has the potential for slowing the disease down. We will also meet with a respitory specialist at UW. We will begin being proactive in searching out resources we might need in the future. We are hearing there is a lot of help in the area. ALS seems to have a mind of its own with each victim. We're told it could just stay where it is in Tom OR it could spread to his arms/legs. After explaining more about the disease the nurse left the room to get something and as soon as she did Tom pumped his arm and said, "They don't know me!" And Kemp and I agreed! Tom is a Viking and he has a mighty God. Who knows what they might do together?!

Mixed day

It's been a day of mixed emotions--highs and lows. Neither one of us slept very good last night. Tom got up and worked on a puzzle somewhere around 2:00 am. I woke up a little while later and checked on him. I hate waking up and he's not in be with me--what a lonely place without him there. When I went back to bed my mind was all over the place, thinking of decisions I needed to think about making--thoughts I have avoided just trying to think about each day as it comes. Finally I turned to the 23rd Psalm--the Lord is my Shepherd--and prayed that Jesus would shepherd me and Tom--knowing that He knows all things and the plans He has for our lives. I also decided that trying to make any kind of decision in the middle of the night is a very silly thing to do (I didn't use "stupid" but that goes along with silly!)

Needless to say when Tom woke at 6:30 I was NOT ready to get up but a feeding tube will not wait--like I said before--a great alarm. It was hard leaving Tom to go to the first service without Tom--I always go early, teach children's church and then Tom meets me for the second service. Well, this morning I just welled up with tears with each person who hugged me. Tried sitting in the service but couldn't hold back the tears. Finally I talked to my teaching partner and said I didn't think I could teach this morning and she graciously took over. I drove home and picked up Tom. I was so glad to be back with him. Together we're good--it's hard to be apart. Enjoyed the worship service--special treat that daughter April and Rocky, Autumn and Kienan joined us.

Tom was very tired after church. He laid down for a nap as soon as we got home. I wasn't far behind him. Daughter Kirstin, Yura, Hunter and Moose came over for a Mother's Day visit. Hunter won the Sorry game with Far (Tom) a close second. I beat Yura for third! That means Yura came in LAST--but who's keeping score?! Kylisa is taking care of Ava (2 1/2) and Owen (1) for 3 nights so she gets the mother of the year award--4 kids under 3! She called after coming home from the zoo to say that they came home with all 4--didn't lose a one! Kemp is returning from picking up a friend's boat in the San Juans and taking it to Anacortes.

I think that last night a burst of reality hit--this isn't going away without a miracle. We're in this together. How can I complain when it's Tom who is suffering the effects of this terrible illness. If I start complaining then how can I be there for him? How can I complain when we've been blessed with so much for so many years? How can I complain when so many are suffering so much more? That's one thing my travels to Ethiopia showed me--how people with so little and such great suffering need so little and have so much to give. I think of the children at the Street Kid School--live on the street during the nights, come to this school that we would cal little more than a few small rooms with not much in the way of supplies during the day. The smiles on those faces will stay with me forever.

No, I don't like it--it hurts so much. But I know God can use this for His good and pray that He will somehow be honored through our journey. This morning just having people hold me while I cried was such a blessing--no words had to be spoken--just caring hugs and touches, prayers spoken spontaneously in response to the pain and shared love.

He's talking easier

A friend just called and told me I hadn't blogged in two days--don't know where those days went. Guess that's a good reason for doing this journal on a regular basis. I forget way too easy! Let's see--doctor's appointment on Thursday. Chest xray showed no pneumonia--also showed us the feeding tube and the wire sutures they put in during Tom's open heart surgery 7 years ago. Makes for a very interesting xray! We're going to try cutting back a little bit on the blood pressure medication--Tom's pressure is now very low and it's making him a little more lathargic than we would like. This balancing of meds is quite tricky. I think we've got the anti-saliva med at a good dosage. Tom is talking much easier. That is a big praise.

Yesterday our grandson Maximus spent the day with us. He made us laugh with all his funny antics. He and his grandfather definitely have something in common--few words but great hand motions to communicate. He won't say the color "red" so yesterday we renamed it--it's "D".

Today we drove in to Seattle to see Kemp and Angie. Tom recently sold his stamp collection but gave the United Nations collection to Kemp. We packed up all the boxes and took them in today. Hopefully Kemp will enjoy them as much as his father has.

Tonight I am very tired. I wish I could take this away from Tom--it's hard to know there's no treatment. I remain firm, though, in being determined to do everything possible to make it as good for Tom as I possibly can. I know our children feel the same way.

I am so grateful for all those who are posting comments, writing emails and sending cards--they all are amazing blessings and touch me more than I can say. Life really is all about relationships---One friend who I see very seldom any more since we live in different states told me this this week--Be strong. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or be weak. Both are okay. I know she knows what she's talking about--she lost her husband to leukemia a few years ago.

Diagnosis more defined

This morning I received this email message from Dr Weiss, "I went back and looked at the EMG study again. There is clearly evidence to support the idea that this is more definitively ALS, with involvement on the needle testing of muscles in the arms and trunk, and not just progressive bulbar palsy." It really doesn't change anything but it was good to know that the doctor was being thorough.

Today has been a good day. Tom was in great humor this morning and we had fun kidding around. He has better speech today. The new dosage on his meds seems to be doing its job. YEAH! Went to the dentist today AND Tom got a haircut. I almost got a pedicure but the wait was longer than I was willing to give. Tonight we are with our home fellowship group--something we always look forward to. Tomorrow our grandson Maximus (the Moose) is coming to play. Appreciating this pocket of joy--kind of like being in the eye of the storm--I understand it's very quiet there and peaceful. Just enjoying it.

"Attitude is the mind's paintbrush; it can color any situation. For every minute you are angry, sad, or anxious you lose sixty entire seconds of happiness. Between yesterday's regret and tomorrow's dream lies today's opportunity. Use it." from Barbara Johnson's Boomerang Joy

Diagnosis is in

We're back from the UW visit. Dr Weiss confirmed that it is not any of the obscure diseases that he was testing for. He said the diagnosis is progressive bulbar palsey which some say is connected with ALS, others disagree. Dr Weiss believes that it will progress into ALS. Right now the only part of Tom that is affected is his speech and swallowing. He did give us a plan for attacking the saliva management and we will try plan A for 2 weeks, followed by plan B if necessary and if those don't work we will go straight to Botox--which apparently greatly reduces the amount of saliva the body produces.

Next Tuesday we will meet with Nurse Cathy who will give us more instruction on the disease and help us with strategies for dealing with what we need to deal with. We're also being transferred to the UW speech therapy. We've had the most wonderful speech therapist at Evergreen and will hate leaving her but apparently they have more high tech stuff to help Tom with speech so that is a good thing.

Tom is starting to grasp that this is not something that will get better UNLESS God sends a miracle which He's perfectly capable of doing. We just want His will in our lives and if this is what He is allowing us to go through then we are dependent on Him to help us navigate it. It's hard for me to know how hard this is for our children--they love their dad so much and are so supportive. I am very thankful that we are a close knit family and know that we will grow even closer (if that's possible) through this. There are so many unknowns out there so once again we just have to stay focused on today and what we can do to make it the very best for Tom we can.

The doctor's visit was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I guess we've been hearing the term ALS for a couple of months now so it wasn't something new. The doctor was very gentle and we appreciated the way he kept bringing Tom into the conversation (Kemp really noticed that). It was helpful to have Kylisa and Kemp with us. What a precious gift family is!

UW appointment

It's Wednesday--a day that seemed so far away but here it is. We both had a good night last night--slept well. The feeding pump alarm beeped at 6:45 to say that the overnight feeding was done. It's the best alarm--we CAN'T ignore it. We are up and ready to go with our list of questions for Dr. Weiss. I remember when we thought we were going to have to wait until August to get an appointment at the UW. It's with mixed feelings that we go to this appointment--we need to know what we're dealing with and how to deal with it but at the same time. . .

Back to Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

Please, Lord, give us an extra amount of trust, strength and courage for this day.

We are thankful for Kemp and Kylisa coming with us today AND for Kirstin taking care of her nephews!

Comments posted are more boomerangs of joy! Thank you!!!

It's hard

Life is hard. We were never told otherwise. It was hard last night when I drove myself to the church annual meeting (if it happens twice a year, is it still "annual"???) last night alone--Tom and I have always gone together. It's hard watching Tom in a group of people like at church yesterday and knowing how much he wants to communicate but talking is so difficult. It's hard going to see Jen, the speech therapist, and Tom not reaching out to hug her--but she had a hug for him. He was feeling frustrated and didn't know what she could do to help. It's hard when I don't know what to do to help and think, what if Tom stops smiling at me?! It's hard to feel tired when I think I've gotten enough sleep. It's hard not being able to babysit our grandboys because the noise is hard for Tom or they are being protective of Tom's health. It's hard not going to Hunter's lacrosse games because it's just too hard for Tom. It's hard eating a meal by myself. It's hard to remember all the times I complained inwardly about having to fix another dinner--I'd give anything to fix a favorite dinner of Tom's now. It's hard to think about going to see the UW doctor on Wednesday--wondering how I can protect Tom. It's hard knowing how much life has changed.

It's hard but it is life. How often I have thought about "getting through" things and then on to life as I want it to be as thought the "getting through" part isn't really a part of life. It's all a part of life--the easy and fun and the hard. What's amazing is that it takes the hard times to mold us and shape us--we grow the most in the hard times and God is definitely closer and more depended on in those times when we are the weakest. I feel like the last few weeks I have been in a cocoon, wrapped up and protected from feeling too much while God has let me know how loved and cared for we are. Today and last night I feel like I'm starting to come out of that cocoon. Butterflies stuggle as they get ready to fly, it's hard work, it's just plain hard. But that's they way God planned their life. He doesn't give them more than they can handle and He makes that promise to us. Life is hard but He's here in the midst of it and with Him we will make it.

Heard the end of an interview on the radio today. They were talking about motherhood being a calling, a responsibility and a privilege. You know, that can be said for many things in life--being a wife is a calling, a responsibility (to the commitment we made), and a privilege. What a privilege to be able to care for a man who has cared for me all these years--really a very special intimacy of trust as well as love. "They" say "love is a decision" and I agree--many times over the years that's what it's had to be but it sure is wonderful when the decision and the emotion come together and are one!

Tom just beat me at cribbage TWICE! How does he get those cards?! We "bump" hands to congratulate the winner. AND he's smiling tonight! How I wish I could collect each one and save them!

We pray for strength in the midst of our weakness. We pray for courage to face each new day. We pray we might be a blessing to all we meet. I pray I could be the wife Tom not only needs but the one he wants as well.

Finished this entry and then read this devotion which comes via email--sure seems to answer what I am feeling today.

BIBLE MEDITATION:"My brothers, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations." James 1:2
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:Sometimes we have to admit that it's hard to "count it all joy." Sometimes we complain, and rather than being humbly grateful, we get grumbly hateful. Oh, how I wish that, beginning today, we would emulate the faith of the saints that have gone before us - saints like Fannie Crosby, the great hymn writer. For most of her life Fannie Crosby was blind, and yet at the tender age of eight, Fannie wrote:
"Oh! What a happy soul am I. Although I cannot see,
I am resolved that in this world, contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't." And do you know what? She didn't.

Liveable

I think these two would have liked each other--

Winston Churchill said, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

Erma Bombeck said, "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

Today the laughable word is "liveable"--that was Tom's response when I asked how the saliva was. We both laughed and said OK.

We play a game each meal time. I ask him what he wants and he comes up with some old favorite. Today when he couldn't get the words I brought out one of those little Doodle things--it worked great--amazing how much one word can convey. Today lunch was a coldcut sandwich from Subway--what a compliment for Subway when he could have had anything in the world he wanted. The other thing that he does is always say, "Takk for mat" when I feed him. That's an old family tradition--it means, "thank you for the food" in Swedish.

Cloudy Saturday

It's Saturday--the first Saturday of the month which means it is men's breakfast at church--and Tom's not there. The breakfast has been such a big part of his life ever since coming to Bear Creek. One of Tom's greatest gifts has been his ability to talk to anyone, anywhere about most anything. I've always admired that in him. It's hard seeing that being taken away from him. No food by mouth, not much speech and what is there this morning is very uncomfortable means he is not feeling up to the breakfast. It makes me very sad to see him lose this.

Woke up this morning feeling very physically tired so I think it will be a very quiet day with lots of rest thrown in. Am drinking tea from my favorite cup and saucer. No grandson coming to visit this morning--garage sale cancelled due to rain--timing is probably good though I will miss seeing him.

Here's a thought--wouldn't it be fun to open the snail mail box, email or on this blog and see thoughts that people have about Tom--memories, impressions, funny stories? I think Tom would like it.

It's Friday but Sunday is comin'

What is the difference between Outlook, Internet and Internet Explorer. I am so confused. I just updated Outlook with addresses and emails but then couldn't use it to send out emails so added them to the internet site but then I go to Internet Explorer to get on this blog. What am I missing?!

Things like feeding and sleeping have been going smooth for the last two days--YEAH! But Tom is still having a great deal of difficulty managing his saliva because the muscles in his esophagus are weak. We've tried drying it up but that doesn't feel good if it gets too dry. We're trying something new--thinning it out with Robitussen. Again, it's a trial and error process. The hardest part is that Tom doesn't like to speak when he's having this problem. This morning he woke up with a stronger voice than he's had in days--it was so good to hear him talk. Hopefully we can get it worked out.

We took a drive in the sun today--it was such a beautiful day. We were headed to Snoqualmie Falls but made it as far as Redmond. That town is sure changing. I grew up in Redmond and I remember seeing the population sign by the side of the road that read 1500! I remember when there was only one apartment building in town. I remember the Chamber of Commerce being concerned about how to get more pedestrian traffic in town. We drove by the two houses we lived in--good memories from both.

Last night I laid awake for awhile thinking and talking to God. One of my questions to Him was how I could be feeling so at peace in the midst of this storm--at least for today, I'm only taking it one day (or less) at a time. He gave me a visual picture (this isn't the first time--guess I must be a visual learner)--the picture was of a ball that someone was trying to force under water. Everytime they tried it popped back up to the surface. I'm that ball--that's exactly the way it feels. Can't explain it. Can't understand it. (Greater is He that in me!) Just know that I am very thankful for His grace and peace in my life for today. I've said it before but I'll say it again--don't want to waste any of this time that Tom and I have together whatever the future holds.

Can't imagine going through illness/hard times without having Jesus with me. I remember when Tom had open heart surgery back in 2002. I was going to kiss him goodbye not knowing what the day would bring. Wondering what to say I heard these words come out of my mouth--"you love Jesus, I love Jesus, Jesus loves us--we're going to be okay."

That brings up another memory--when Tom was coming out of the anesthesia he was kind of in and out. I asked him how he felt. He said he felt like he was going up and down. I said, like a see-saw? He said yes and that there was a pretty girl on the other end. He had a very cute nurse and I asked him if that's who he meant. He said, 'No, it's Cathy!" Under drugs and everything! Boy, did he earn big points that day!

Another visual that God gave me years ago (now I'm on a roll!) was when I left the church after my first Sunday "on the job". I was crying because I realized it was so much bigger than I imagined and I didn't think I was up to the task. God gave me a visual of Him reaching down with His right hand to take my hand and giving me the assurance that He would never let go. He's kept that promise!

Tomorrow morning our youngest grandson, Grayson (just turned 1) is coming over to hang out for while. Looking forward to playing 1 year old games! With that in mind I had better close and get to bed. One more medication for Tom and then we're done for the night.