Now is not forever

I went camping with dear, close friends last weekend. Tom and I had camped with them multiple times in the past. This trip had been planned since early in the year, purposely staying close to home/doctors for the sake of Tom. It turned out our friend Dale is the one who needed to stay close. I had planned to take the RV but weeks prior to going my friends had talked it over and thought it would be too hard for me and invited me to stay in their RV with them. I had been having the same thoughts and was grateful for their invitation. It was so hard to be there without Tom BUT I don't want to give up being with this special group of people. It's hard and it's wonderful all at the same time. It's feels so special to be with people who knew and loved Tom, to talk about him as only people who shared his life can, to remember as only people who were there can. I just got an email from someone who said she thought I should find new friends who were not part of my time with Tom so it wouldn't hurt so much. She is sooooo wrong. How could I talk about Tom with people who didn't know him? Maybe it hurts more but I think it's going to hurt no matter what so why not be with people who shared Tom's and my life and continue to care. I don't want to stop talking about him or thinking about him and I think that's where good friends come in. I treasure them more than ever.

It has been 3 months since Tom died--it's August 10. The day felt magnified somehow. Tears were close to the surface from the time I woke up. I took Moose and went to Kylisa's thinking that being with all the little grandboys would help. But nothing could stop the tears. I knew I needed to get away to be by myself and let go. The tears come whether people are around or not but there's a deep feeling of just needing to let go and not be contained that's harder when others are around. It feels like it needs to be private. Didn't know where to go so spent some time driving and ended up in a park where I could just sit in my car and cry as much as my body had need of crying. My greatest fear was that it wouldn't stop and crying would now be the way I was going to live--forever.

After talking it over with my children I decided I wanted to go away for a few days. Found a cottage that was available, packed a few things and left the next morning. Stopped to get the mail on the way out of town and found two special gifts waiting for me. One was a card from a friend with this on the front: "The Lord knows the pain you feel, the grief you carry, the tears you cry, the memories you'll cherish, the comfort you need, the strength you'll require." That would have been wonderful encouragement to read any day but it was extra special to get it when I did.

The other gift was Book 2 (of 4) of a series called "Experiencing Grief." The first book had been such a help that I couldn't wait to see what this one had to say. I had identified with so much the first book had said--"it" understood. This book was the same. At the park I kept seeing people who were playing and walking and talking--LIKE EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL! But nothing feels normal. Tom is gone and nothing is the same. On the first page of the book, the author said the same thing! He even said he got into his car and cried. I'm like others--it sometimes takes a few months for the reality to sink in. It feels heavy like walking through mud and a deep fog all at the same time. The book says this isn't all bad--"because it means that you are feeling." But feeling HURTS! How long will it hurt so much? The book says experiencing feelings is one step toward healing--how many steps are there?

The first 3 months have been a piece of cake compared with this. I even wondered if I was through grieving! Wishful (dumb) thinking? "Half the battle is just accepting the grief and letting yourself grieve." "Simply move with it and let it take you where it wants to go." Boy, does that sound like out of control living--and scary. Don't know when it's going to mug me, how I will react. The verse comes to mind that took Tom and me through out last year together--"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." I've learning to trust Him with my circumstances. Trusting Him with my emotions is something new--it's a new letting go. The book says, "When you let your feelings out--feel them to the full--they lose their power over you." Isn't that just like God to create in us feelings and then mean for them to be felt! AHHH! This is going to be a hard lesson to learn. I pray I learn it quickly.

One thing that was comforting in this new book was this quote: "It's very normal to experience lapses of memory, difficulty concentrating, a slow response time, or absent-mindedness"--maybe I'm not developing dementia!

One chapter heading is called, "A Good Cry." "Weeping is perhaps the most humand most universal of all relief measures." Too bad your eyes burn and head throbs when you are through. "Each good cry lets a little more of the pain out of your system." OK, if it helps with the pain then bring it on. I don't want to hurt but at the same time the hurt feels good in a way because it tells me, no, it shows me how much I loved Tom, how dear and precious he was/is to me, how much I miss him. Memories are more precious than ever and everything I see brings a memory of life with Tom.

I always wanted to be an old couple with Tom. I love seeing old people walking hand in hand or sitting close and think it is a beautiful thing to see. Now it hurts but at the same time makes me so thankful again and again for 41 years with him. 41 years of memories. 41 years of love--in love and loved. Now is not forever--I will keep reminding myself. If the tears come I will try not to fight them. If I need to cry deep and hard my car is a safe place.