A week away

(Wrote this while still in Cannon Beach the week of July 12-19 but didn't have internet access so am finally putting it in the blog now)

I am alone sitting in a beautiful home of friends overlooking the beaches of Cannon Beach, Oregon. It is a week to remember--a time to be away, a time to be quiet, a time to think about Tom and all he means to me. And it was a time to quilt.

When we were going through Tom's clothes I had a hard time thinking about parting with them until my daughter April suggested that i make a quilt using some of his shirts. The more I thought about it the more excited I got about the project. Then my friend who is a master quilter agreed to come with me. Now there would be time to quilt AND have a wonderful mentor to teach me. Susan and I have known each other for over 30 years. Yesterday she went home and I am alone and this, too, is good.

Last night I finished putting all the blocks together in Tom's quilt. It is made of his shirts, ties, a pair of shorts, dress slacks and jeans he always wore. The back of the quilt will be the blanket he liked to wrap up in. The whole time sewing it I kept having the thought, "I can't wait to show this to Tom!" He felt so close and I felt so expectant--that I would see him any moment walk through the door. I read in a book on grief that doing creative projects is a good way to process grief.

Little did I know the joy of putting these pieces of fabric together--each piece a familiar sight--shirts that I have ironed for years and enjoyed seeing on Tom. The familiarity of each pattern makes me smile with remembrance. Among the pockets I included is one from a bright Hawaiian shirt. My Dad bought it for Tom years ago. It reminds me of our travels to Hawaii, Mexico and Australia, the special memories of beaches, warmth and water. It's also the last piece on the quilt making me think of Tom in a place of paradise and the assurance that we will be there together some day.

There is also a block that is made from a flannel plaid shirt that Tom wore during the last year. It is dark on dark telling how hard that year was and yet it is a soft fabric with a cross in the center reminding me of the gentle care we received by our Lord through our family, friends, doctors and hospice.

There is a block that is a mistake that I didn't try to fix because it reminds me of the mistakes we make in life and sometimes we can't fix them. Sometimes they are lessons we need to learn and 3 blocks later is the same block but this time it is correct. I am so thankful that God never gives up on us; He never throws us away but always invites us to keep on learning and trusting and growing. His amazing unconditional love wraps us up just like Tom's quilt will.

When it is finished I know i will feel the remembrance of Tom's hugs, of his embrace, of his love. Whan an amazing emotion from a few pieces of fabric sewn together. How thankful I am for the gift of this home and for this week away. This afternoon I will walk the beach. I will be alone but i will not be alone. I will think of Tom and remember 42 years worth of memories--I think i will take a notebook with me to remember what I remember.

Tom is a wonderful example of living life full of joy. I want to be just like Tom--I don't want to miss any of it.

Well, I took that long walk on the beach. I was so aware of walking without Tom at my side and yet there's something about having spent all those years with him--his influence is very much present. It's like I see things through our memories together. Everything I see seems to remind me of some part of our life together. Watching families interact, people playing with their dogs, flying kites, walking hand in hand, people just sitting and enjoying being there. There was much conversation going on but I could hear none of it--the roar of the ocean made everything else be silent. Colers were bright against the gray of the san, sky and water. i enjoyed watching and taking it all in. i ate lunch alone at a restaurant in town and it was ok. I thought of all the times Tom ate alone while he traveled for his job. I never asked him what that felt like--never thought of it until now. I have a feeling he made the best of it--maybe pretending I was with him like i did today thinking about him.

I put the inner binding on the quilt tonight. Now I just have to add the outer border from his jeans and I will be able to finish it. I can't wait to wrap up in my Tom quilt and remember. What a great thing memories are--one of my most treasured possessions.

Just finished watching the DVD from Tom's memorial service--laughed and cried all over again. What a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man who was and is so loved.

Tomorrow I drive home. I miss my children and grandchildren and HUGS! This has been a good time of coming away to think, to pray, to remember and to quilt.