Hard question

Last Sunday I went back to church after being away for several weeks. How strange it felt to walk in without Tom with me. He seemed to be everywhere I looked--memories abound in our church building AND in the people he loved so much, and who loved him. I cried through every song. What is it about music that it just gets inside you and reveals feelings like nothing else. As I received hugs it was like Tom's hugs were coming back to me--he shared hugs with so many who are now sharing them back with me--each one a treasure.



"How are you?" AHHHHHHHH! There it was again--the question I've begun to dread. And yet I know that people care and want to know. It's just that I don't know--I wish I did. On my way north to visit my mother on Sunday I found part of the answer. While listening to a Christian radio station the song "It is Well With My Soul" came on. It was written by a man whose 4 daughters were all lost on a sea voyage. I found myself resonating with its message:
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul
Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul."

It is well with my soul. At the very center of my being it is well and I am secure in the belief that God is sovereign, full of purpose and meaning. What I just woke up realizing was that the question, "How are you doing?" reminds me that I don't know what I'm feeling beyond that. Yes, I am at peace in the center of my being but there are feelings swirling and churning that I can't get ahold of. I've never been all that great at identifying feelings anyway. Now in the midst of loosing Tom I'm supposed to know how I feel? You mean beyond, "It just plain hurts?" More than that just takes too much effort to think through. OR maybe that's all there is--it is well with my soul AND it hurts.

Nobody teaches us how to grieve. I'm finding that it is a very individual thing. I'm surprised when I don't feel sorrow; I'm surprised when I do. I'm surprised by how good it feels to laugh--is it supposed to feel that good? (Oh, yeah, "feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are") Will life ever feel "normal" again or is this my new "normal"? Will the weight/cloud that engulfs me and makes me feel like it's too much effort to move stay with me or will I break free? In weeks, months or years? OK, enough questions. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey." Another song with a great message--simple but true. I think I can go back to sleep now trusting that I don't have to have the answers--I know the One who does.