Still learning more

It's Sunday morning. Tom developed pnemonia last Monday and had a high fever but we got antibiotics into him quickly and he is much better. The problem with ALS is that the diaphram muscles that help with breathing are weakened so it gets harder to cough. That meant that I had to get on the fast track for being profficient at suctioning. Tom has been very tired all week--understandably so. Last night he thought he wanted to go to church this morning but when it was time to get ready he just wanted to go back to bed. It's hard not to go for both of us because not only do we enjoy the worship but also enjoy connecting with good friends who have become family to us. Many of them are the prayer warriors who keep us going with their prayers and encouragement.

Here are some "what I'm learning" thoughts--

Not sidelined! (Or "sidewalked". Grandson Moose (3) enjoys giving us the assinment of being his coach--like his big brother's lacrosse coach. But when you are a coach you have to stand (no sit) on the "sidewalk"!) As Tom's disease has progressed I have had the feeling of being sidelined in life. Real life was what we left behind or so I thought. I am realizing how much we are in life right now and how much we can learn from this time and place in life. I never knew how full life can be without getting in your car every day or having meetings or appointments to go to. In terms of space our life has been reduced greatly but in terms of fullness it's been expanded. What I notice the most is how much more I enjoy the "little" things in life--smiles are amazing gifts we give, hugs are vital, and being "in the moment" is a treasured way to live.

Why are we kind? Often it's because we know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes it's out of sheer obedience to God when it's not what we really want to do. I've been thinking alot about kindness lately. I remember years ago when I visited a friend in the hospital. Someone called me a very kind person as a result but inside I knew that I was doing it because it was the right thing to do and struggled with the conflict of right actions/not so good attitude. Taking care of Tom has given me lots of practice with kindness. I love taking care of him but sometimes when he rings for me inside I just want to say, "can you just wait while I finish eating/working in the garden/sewing/etc." Then it hit me. Pastor Mike recently talked about our purpose in life was to give ourselves away. (Following the example of Christ who gave His life for us--everything He had.) I realized that when I don't want to/feel like being kind it's because it interrupts the plans I have for that particular moment. It's all about me! I've prayed for a long time that the inside feelings would match with the outside actions--that I would feel real or genuine in my actions because they matched what I was feeling/thinking inside. And then it happened. Tom asked and my response was "it's all about him" and he needs me and this is my chance to give myself away for him. What happened next was a surprise. I experienced the most euphoric sense of joy--it was real, it was genuine and it was addicting. I couldn't wait for it to happen again. And the sense of joy has not gone away. I think this must be the fruit of the Spirit that the Bible talks about. We can practice love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control and know that that is a good thing. Then they become a part of us and they blossom inside and are real (and addicting!) (A very quick synopsis of a long teaching!)

"Simplify!" More? That's what I heard and that was my response. I didn't know how until one day when Tom, grandson Moose and dog Mochi all needed me at the same time. And I didn't have the energy to meet all their needs OR the mental ability to figure out how to get it all taken care of--such simple tasks in the past. The answer was for Mochi's other mother to care for him for the time being. What would we do without friends and family? I'm thankful I don't have to find out.