It's been a very long time since I added to this blog. It's 11 months as of yesterday, the 10th, since Tom left this world for his home in heaven. Oh, how I miss him. As I look back on this year I realize that I've stopped thinking about Tom as being sick (for the most part) and remember him well and active, smiling and full of hugs. The "problem" is that it makes me miss him that much more. Thinking about him being released from the illness that kept robbing him of his body it was easier to be thankful for his release. Now I find myself falling in love with him all over again as I remember his special qualities. He could never tell me he loved me enough--I miss that. I even miss his crazy antics that sometimes drove me crazy. He didn't care a whole lot about what people thought--he just was who he was, loved being with people and they loved being with him. How blessed I've been to be the love of his life.
Yesterday and today I just keep leaking tears. It's hard to define what I'm feeling. I just know that it's coming from deep inside and I'm powerless to stop it. I don't know how to do this one year anniversary. Do I want to be by myself? Do I want to surround myself with family or friends? I'm leaning toward being on my own and am coming up with ideas of where I might go to mark the day. It just feels very private. Maybe it's the uncertainty of what my emotions will be that day. It feels a little scary for some reason. More than anything everything I have read and from what has been shared in grief groups is the idea that everyone greives differently and there is no right way or one way to do it. The admonition has been just to go with it.
I am so thankful for my children and grandchildren who are the joys of my life. I hear Tom's care for me through their care. I love it when Tom is a part of our conversation and the laughter that continues to originate with him. He really does continue to live through our memories. I suppose the depth of sadness is just an extension of the depth of love we had for each other. Amazing that it can continue to grow even after death.
Thank you, Lord, for giving us minds that remember.
