How different this Tuesday from last Tuesday. Last Monday evening I began a support group called Grief Share. My plan was to go and listen to the video, listen politely to what others had to share and then go home--in other words, not to really involve myself. Even while filling out paper work at the beginning I did not speak to the woman sitting next to me. I really had a wall around me and pretended to be invisible. Well, God had other plans. The table facilitator was too good at drawing us out. Tears flowed. Lives were opened and shared pain understood. When I left I cried all the way home. The next day I felt so down and sad. It felt like I had taken 3 steps back yet intellectually I knew I had to go back in order to go forward. All week I had this sense that I was outside myself looking at me, analyzing what I was feeling. Feeling and thinking about the feeling all at the same time. Feelings magnified--highs higher and lows lower.



Yesterday was Monday and all day I felt lousy--headache, stomache ache, tired--plenty of excuse to not go back last night. But I knew I had to go, not just for me but for the others I had met last week. It was painful to drive to Northshore. I decided maybe my stomach would feel better if I ate something so I stopped and got a bowl of soup which I ate in the car in the parking lot. I just knew I was going to spill some on the front of me AND I DID. Now I had another excuse not to go. But somehow I did go. Met the wonderful facilitator from last week walking in and shared how hard it was to come. She was very encouraging and her hug helped. The video was again very informative and assuring--talked about grief being like being on a roller coaster with many of the same physical affects--disorientation, fear, nausea, up and down, etc. New people were at our table this week--would I risk sharing? Interesting thing happened--when I listened to others sharing it broke down all the walls and I found myself sharing without reserve, mindless of the tears, knowing we were all in this thing called grief together.



I brought Tom's quilt to share and boy, did it open doors. I am already making 2 quilts for a friend who lost his wife. Last night two women asked if I would teach them how to make one out of their husband's clothing and a man asked if I would make one for him. I think I have a new mission and I am thrilled. I know how much Tom's quilt means to me and to be able to give that gift to others makes me so happy. I'm also finding it very healing. And to think this all started because I ordered a how-to video for my granddaughter for her to learn how to quilt not knowing it was really for me!



This morning I woke with the words of a praise song running through my mind--and my mind is so like a sieve that the words have come and gone in such a short time! I just know that it was with joy that I woke this morning--seeing God's hand in the midst of this roller coaster ride. (Never did like real roller coasters and avoided them.) Can't avoid this one. This morning I will enjoy the fact that I am up and trust that He will hold me close when I go down.