Grief has moved in

It's been 6 weeks. It feels like it was yesterday and long ago all at the same time. At 3 weeks I did the expected and came down with a bug that sent me to bed for most of the week. My voice (what there was of it) sounded like I had morphed into a man with a very deep voice. During that week I slept and read and looked at all the Tom pictures in my bedroom. My cousin just sent me a new one that I don't remember ever seeing before--they've all become priceless treasures bringing back Tom's look of love and fun. I can transport myself back to those places and feel his presence and especially his arms around me--those arms that always felt so loving and protective.

Week 4 was mostly recovery--just getting my strength back. Still thinking about this grieving thing and trying to figure it out. I like lists. I like following directions knowing that they are taking me someplace like in sewing/quilting/gardening/cooking (sometimes). I can't find the grief directions. I've started reading a little bit but all it says is that there's no right way to grieve. Everyone does it their own way but just that it's important TO grieve. The books tell you to be gentle with yourself.

Then one morning I woke up thinking that grief was like a new person moving into my life--someone I don't know but is living with me going with me wherever I go and is a part of everything I do whether invited or not--he sticks like glue, can't shake him loose.

Thought about that for a while and then added to it. I needed to figure out how I was supposed to live/act/respond to his presence--what did he expect of me? Still looking for directions. What did he think of me when I felt joy or laughed wholeheartedly--was that ok? I knew he would understood when I cried or hurt so deep inside I thought I would sink into myself. Did he understand when I was happy? Still wrestling.

Then I woke up one morning (gotta love those early morning thoughts that come from the brain debriefing over night) and had this thought: Yes, Grief has moved in and is here to stay but who says he wants me to live according to his expectations? Who says he has any expectations at all? Who says he isn't here just to help me through this time/life? Who says he doesn't want me to be anyone but myself? Who says he doesn't want me to experience joy and happiness and deep belly laughter? All emotions seem to be magnified. Joy and happiness and laughter are all greater. It becomes a counter balance to the feelings of emptiness/lonliness/loss/pain.

I've never been one to question "why?" God's in charge and He knows the answer to that question. I am just so thankful that He is my Lord and I can trust Him in ALL things. I don't have to know the answers because I know that One who does. I know where Tom is and after watching him suffer this last year plus I can't grieve his passing. I do grieve the loss of his presence and the source of so much love and fun